Imagine getting the opportunity to find out how your life turned out in the next 18 years. I'd personally want to know if I got to follow my dream or if I am happy. In this blog I want to share with you an intimate letter I've been meaning to write my 16 year old self. It's been in the works for a while now and I keep writing then rewriting it and never quite getting the exact words. I guess it will never be perfect as I'm not perfect anyway. I just wish my 16 year old self wouldn't be too mind boggled by present me much.
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Dear 16 Year old Lem,
Hi! It is already 2017 and I am you 18 years from when you are reading this. I am now 34 years old now, but sometimes I still see you when I look in the mirror. I can't begin to say how much I've crumpled multiple letters I tried to write you over the past years. It's not for a lack of confidence but more of a hesitation to reveal that maybe there are somethings that I might have regretted along the way of getting here, and which you will have to go through yet.
As you are reading this you are 16 years old and in your 4th year of high school. I remember the 1st day of school when you were with your friends and then they announced that students will be reshuffled and you probably won't be classmates with your barkada for this school year. We didn't tell this to anyone but I know you were devastated. You've been classmates with your best friend and barkada for the past 3 years and now it's just like being a transfer student all over again. You do know the people in your class but the familiarity isn't there anymore and you have to make new friends. I remember this was a tough year in school - new friends, harder subjects, 1st time flunking a subject (it's ok it's Trigonometry...it's not important), College applications and entrance exams, etc. But you'll get through it, you have no choice. You did pass your UPCAT just so you know, just not in your top UP College of choice but you could still enroll in other UP colleges. You will study in Saint Louis University instead and love your college life there. And your dream to become a Lawyer? I'll tell you more later.
So you spend the whole summer doing more college applications and entrance exams before finally enrolling in SLU. Mama chose the course you took because she said if you wanted to become a Lawyer studying Political Science now would just make you bored eventually. So you took English Literature instead. It was your first time being away from Mama, Papa, Jr, and Niel and I admit you loved it. First order of business - you cut your long hair. College isn't easy either, you even flunked Math 1 (Algebra..I still think no one needs this subject in real life) and that made you an international student - no block section and you could choose the schedule you wanted. Sometime during your Freshman and Sophomore Year you get depressed - life gets you like that sometimes. You also met your first serious boyfriend, you were best friends then eventually you fell in love.
By the time you were 19 years old you had to stop school because you were going to have a baby. Yes, you are going to have a baby and he will be named Luis Ykaell. You are going to be stressed and scared, you're going to spend a lot of time crying because of the sermon from mama and the disappointment from Papa. Luis will be born on September 20, 2002 and your life will change. Being old fashioned Mama and Papa will insist your boyfriend marry you and you do get married a few days before you turn 20 on December 26, 2002. So your dream to become a Lawyer is put in the back burner for now.
Don't worry, you go back to school and finish your degree. Luis was turning 3 years old and Papa wanted you to finish school so you did, and you graduated with Batch 2006. Relationship wise - you are married, have a son, have plans, happy. You wanted your husband to finish school too so you decided to save money by living in Isabela with Luis while you husband stayed in Baguio to finish school. I think that's where everything started going downhill. Your husband will cheat on you not once but twice, he will come and live in Isabela since there was no budget for school yet, and he will work in Isabela. You start a home business selling Barbecue and other merienda food in the afternoon and it does rake in a good amount of money. Your husband is working but all his pay he keeps to himself, he cheats again, and when you fight he becomes physical and leave bruises on your arms. On April 27, 2007, you husband leaves with the excuse of visiting his parents and he never returns.
Life has dealt you a lot of blows, and being a single parent isn't exactly easy either. You keep up with your business and Papa helps by sending you and Luis a monthly allowance, you even get to go back to school to get your masters Degree. You never got to finish though because your baby brother Niel needed the money more - he has Leukemia. fast forward a few years and Papa wanted you to study Professional Caregiving so that you could follow him in the US. While you were planning your OJT, after Christmas of 2010, Niel died. He was buried on your birthday. It's almost 7 years now for me but I still feel the pain as fresh as you will when you lose your baby brother.
Fast forward to 2012. This is the year you got Jared Leon Karl or as we fondly call him - Gift. He is your adopted son. He was born on March 29, 2012 and has brought joy to your family. In 2013, you got a job at a call center in Manila and although you didn't want to at this time, you had to leave your kids with Mama to work.
It has been 4 years since the last big change happened in your life. You are now living with your eldest Luis who is almost 15 years old, just a year younger than you are now (and taller than you too). While Gift lives with his Mamu in Isabela. And you have found love once more.
Why am I even telling these to you, you might ask? Not for you to change anything, I would not change anything that happened in my lie, but to ready you for all the heartache you will get. Life will never be fair, and true enough it does feel like a while - sometimes you are up and sometimes you are down. Life will deal you what it will but it is up to you how to live it to the full. My dream to become a lawyer did not come true but I will never exchange that for being a mom to 2 wonderful boys. I've been hurt so many times I have stopped counting, but that hasn't stopped me from feeling love or joy.
Don't be frightened of what I told you here, you are going to grow into a strong woman, I am proud of you for achieving that. You will have baggage but life is not over and you are still going learn and experience so many things. Stop overthinking yourself. Stop worrying about what other people think. I am telling these to myself as much as you - never stop caring, love as much as you can, capture and treasure memories until your heart is overflowing. Enjoy where you are right now and every moment to come.
Love,
Your 34 Year Old Self
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If you had the chance to talk to your 16 year old self what would you say? At least my younger self would appreciate this long (and dramatic) letter and from the future too! I am such a geek! Hihi.
Labels: blog, letter, life, nostalgia
