Not a lot of people see this side of my personality. The me, who isn't all rainbows, butterflies and sunshine. To the people who do see this side of me (you know who you are and I love you guys), you know what I'll be talking about.
So, the bucket list. I have one, your neighbor has one, and Karen probably has one too (don't ask). I made my bucket list when my brother passed on at the age of 14. I didn't mistype that. My brother had f**king cancer (Leukemia) and he was so young. It felt like an homage to him to try to experience life before, well, kicking the bucket myself. It re-energized me, I felt so alive and ready to take on the world. Fast forward 9 years and I have probably crossed out about 3 things from my bucket list (deleted some, and re-wrote some too) and I am feeling sorry for myself that life has gotten in the way of me crossing out more. It is now frustrating when I read it and realize I am never going to be able to do half of what I listed in the first place.
While I was doodling on my Bullet Journal I had an idea of maybe writing (or re-writing) my bucket list. I Googled pictures to get ideas and on on one of them it said F**k It List. I was intrigued. I then looked up some blog articles about this and I loved what I've read so far.
The [following] f**k it list is ultimately about letting go of the things that hold us back from reaching our true potential. Some are about overcoming our ego attachments which have no real power, especially if we don’t feed them any and others are an illustration of internal achievements that we’ll be more than stoked with when we’re lying on our death bed and deliberating our achievements in life.
Letting go of things that hold us back is terrifying. Especially if you have been doing it your whole life. But can you imagine the person, you could actually become if you let go of some of that baggage?
How much energy do you dedicate to things that don't really matter? Or things you think you "should" do, rather than those you actually want to?
It makes sense. I keep seeing (and hearing) people say adulting sucks, always tired, barely have enough time to do what you love, pressured by family to do this or that, keeping up with appearances. Do we really need all the added stress in our lives?
So I say, F**k It! I'm not getting any younger and, I don't know about you, but I can't be the me that people always see (all rainbows and sunshine) and rely on if I can barely care for myself.
I want to live a happier life. So, here are some of my biggest f**k-its. Enjoy.
What people think about me.
I have cared about what other people have thought about me for far too long. I am never going to live up to what people expect and think, so why bother? And this isn't me giving up or anything. It's just me saying - if you have unrealistic expectations about me, keep it to yourself. This is who I am. I am still a work in progress (never bothered if anyone else think I'm too old to still be "in progress"), I make both good and bad decisions in life and I live with it, and I am going fail a lot more than succeed. My thoughts are also my own and I won't be swayed by someone else ideas. You don't like it? Then sucks for you.
Trying to please other people.
I am never going to please everybody and I am not going to loose sleep procrastinating whether or not someone likes me.
Oh you don't like me? I say f**k off, I don't care. Yes people, I have learned not to care. Well, in some ways. People make other people feel like sh*t aalll the time and I am slowly learning how to just stop caring and not wasting my time in thinking (and over thinking) how these people are messing with my mental health.
Not caring about toxic family.
We all have those family members that are just too toxic to be around with. I have cut off some of them for the last 4 years and I feel so light and better because of it. So what if they are close family. All they've done is be negative and pressure me in conforming to what they want. F**k it, I am done with toxicity in my life. Good riddance.
Worrying about everything.
Money.
Where my life is going.
Being alone.
What I look like.
If I'm ever going to be enough.
These are some of the things that I worry about on a daily basis and it is not helping my mental health nor improving the quality of my life. I am letting worry go. It can die a painful death and not come back to haunt me.
Buying myself something (anything).
The Starbucks Coffee, a new bag, new shoes - whatever pretty things I see. I always feel guilty for wanting to treat my self with new things, even if it's with the money I made from working my a$$ off and not getting enough sleep. Sure I have responsibilities - bills to pay, mouths to feed. But don't I deserve a little reward after working so much? Come to think of it, I don't even get a thanks when I dish out the money people expect me to give.
I deserve to love myself, and if it takes a Frappucino or a new purple wallet then I'm buying it. There I said it.
A few other f**k-its that need mentioning:
- Feeling bad for taking days off, f**k it.
- F**k it. Eating junk food (on cheat days)
- F**k off I'm sleeping in
- F**k underestimating myself
- F**k I love my size and curves
- F**k I like my sassy mouth
- Invalidating my feelings, f**k it.
- Shoving your ideas on me. F**k Off.
Some Bookish f**k-its:
- F**k Book Blogging Drama
- F**k it, I read what I want
- F**k it, I review the way I want to review
- F**k Exclusivity. International Book Bloggers are also mainstream blogger
That was a load off my chest. I'm surprised how easy it was to list down the stuff that I don't want to do anymore, and like I said in my first self love project post, it's not about being selfish at all but about taking the time to care for myself so that I can care for others with the best of me. Do you have anything in your life that all you want to say is f**k it, let go and move on?
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Labels: 2019, blog, life, lifestyle
